In the 20+ years that I've been working with clients, whether through coaching or counseling / psychotherapy, my clients (individuals, couples and other dyads, teams and organizations) and I get to a place where it makes sense that my clients are doing what they are doing, even if a part of them truly wants to change. And, importantly, it makes sense in a way that doesn't pathologize anyone. It's the best strategy they have found, so far, to accomplish something important - perhaps being successful, protecting themselves, or avoiding what has seemed like even worse consequences than the status quo.

So, whether it is an abusive boss who hasn't found another way to get dependable results, a high-potential employee with a reputation for seeming arrogant, an angry, overwhelmed parent, A partner who withdraws and another who pursues, or someone who has tried diet after diet to lose weight, it all makes sense after exploring it together.

Not surprisingly, it can be a relief to get rid of the burden of not understanding why we have been stuck in the situation we've been in (and of others not understanding us). And, fortunately, it can be an important step towards finding better strategies for achieving our goals and for getting our needs met. It's much more effective to find a door, unlock it and open it than it is to use brute force to try to run through a wall, even a wall we don't see yet.

Identifying why our behavior makes perfect sense is a key piece of Kegan and Lahey's work on Overcoming Immunity to Change, Bruce Ecker's Coherence Therapy and Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. Whether working with business leaders, other individuals, or couples, I have found this approach to be quite effective in our work together.

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